Fashion Advice from David Sedaris

I love David Sedaris. My boyfriend Josh gave me a copy of his latest book, "When You Are Engulfed in Flames," (get it for $2.56 from Half.com--it's an order!) and it's one of the few books I've read in recent years that actually managed to make me laugh out loud. There's one passage in particular from the essay "Keeping Up" that I just love because 1. it's hilarious, and 2. it pretty much describes me:

"If I lived alone and something broke, I'd just work around it: use a paint bucket instead of a toilet, buy an ice chest and turn the dead refrigerator into an armoire. Call a repairman? Never. Do it myself? That'll be the day.
I've been around for nearly half a century, yet still I'm afraid of everything and everyone. A child sits beside me on a plane and I make conversation, thinking how stupid I must sound. The downstairs neighbors invite me to a party and, after claiming that I have a previous engagement, I spend the entire evening confined to my bed, afraid to walk around because they might hear my footsteps. I do not know how to turn up the heat, send an email, call the answering machine for my messages, or do anything remotely creative with a chicken. Hugh takes care of all that, and when he's out of town I eat like a wild animal, the meat still pink, with hair or feathers clinging to it."

Okay, so I've only been around for a quarter of a century, and I'm proud to say that I do in fact know how to send an email. But um, yeah, that's about it. Everything else that he confessed to, I'm the exact same way. Thrilled, I told Josh about my discovery. The following discussion resulted:

Him: "So, you're a middle aged gay man at heart?"
Me: "It seems so."
*A pause*
Him: "Does that mean you like men now?"
Me: "Hm. I guess it does. I hope you're okay with that."
*Another pause*
Him: "We'll work through it."

And that is why I love him. But, back to the other guy I love, there's another part in Sedaris' book that I thought would make for some great fashion advice for guys-- and even women, sort of. In the essay "Buddy, Can You Spare a Tie?" he compiles a list of his "more glaring mistakes" into five lessons that we should all keep in mind whenever we're tempted to buy something idiotic. I can't put the entire essay in here, so instead I'm just going to share the title of each lesson and my own little paraphrased summary.

1. "Guys Look Like Asses in Euro-style Glasses": The title kind of says it all for this one. You know those glasses that are barely larger than your eyes, with dark plastic frames? The kind that might make you "[spend] a great deal of time in front of the mirror, pretending to share intelligent comments regarding the state of Europe"? Yeah, well, as David Sedaris had to learn the hard way, those kind of glasses belong solely on the face of Mrs. Beasley.
2. "Better the Glasses Than Sweaty Fake Asses": Okay, I'm not sure how many people this one will actually apply to, but maybe this happens more often than I'd suspect. After all, there are a lot of people out there, David Sedaris included, who secretly yearn for the shapely, filled-out backsides they've always lacked. Fortunately, there's a product out there for people with such a problem: an artificial, padded butt! Unfortunately, Sedaris' prosthetic ass somehow managed to turn his real one into "a rusted coin slot," and he ended up giving it away. So proceed at your own risk, brave readers. And actually, I think there's a lesson here that everyone can take away: you don't want to rely on prosthetics your whole life, do you? Just rock what you have! Marylin Monroe and I were both unfortunate enough to be born with a glaringly obvious mole right by our mouths, and she at least turned it into something iconic. I'm currently working on accomplishing the same thing with my ridiculously bony Irish knees.
   
3. "The Feminine Mistake": This one kind of just applies to the men. Sedaris had the problem of being small enough at one point in his life that nothing in the men's department fit him, so thanks to his sister he somehow ended up in the women's department. After suffering embarrassment from being the guy wearing pants that zipper up in the back and jackets with shoulder pads and labels like "Sassy Sport," Sedaris eventually realized his horrible mistake and moved on to the boy's department instead. A good call. Women can get away with dressing from the opposite gender's clothing rack, particularly with all the menswear-inspired trends right now, but I'm afraid we haven't come far enough for men to do the same yet. (Although, um, if that's your thing, that's cool. I'm not here to judge!)
   
4. "With a Pal Like This, Who Needs Enemies": Now, for women, there's always the option of using accessories to liven up an otherwise drab outfit. But for men, the choices are limited to ties, suspenders, and cuff links. In his search for something "discreet, masculine, and practical," Sedaris discovered Stadium Pal, which is basically "an external catheter... being marketed to sports fans, truck drivers, and anyone else who's tired of searching for a bathroom." Ew. But hey, it met all of his requirements for an accessory. So he tried it out, but eventually decided to forego the whole hospital-pee-bag-attached-to-the-calf thing for a new watchband instead. Again, good call, Mr. Sedaris. As for guys out there that are still searching for the perfect accessory, here are some ideas: sunglasses are good for all seasons (consider the glare of snow on a sunny winter day) and personally, I think the right pair of aviators looks really hot on a guy; a manly messenger bag, like this one (or something cheaper) is extremely practical; leather gloves are stylish and practical; and guys can wear cashmere scarves too (merino wool is a cheaper--and just as soft--option).
5. "Never Listen to [Your] Father": I'm pretty sure that everyone's father has given them poor fashion advice at one point in time. Sedaris' father convinced him to wear a bow tie. As Sedaris says, a bow tie can go well with a tux. My then-boyfriend wore a bow tie to my prom, and he was the only one there not wearing a regular tie. He managed to look very James Bond, as well as fashionable and original. However, with just a regular suit, or anything else, a bow tie says a certain thing about you. Sedaris finally finds out what that is: "'A bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer get an erection.'" Ouch. Maybe keep that in mind, boys. Except, of course, for the occasions when you're wearing a tuxedo and are going for the James Bond look (which, in my opinion, never fails). And think twice before you follow fashion advice from your dad.

That's it for this week's Celebrity Fashion Advice. Coming up next: fashion advice from Zooey Deschanel! (No, I did not manage to achieve my life-long goal of kidnapping the lovely Zooey, but we're going to make do anyway.)